#fightback – Stronger with Rakesh Shukla™

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Dec

What I Learnt by Beating Acute Clinical Depression

“Depression is a disease like the others I have, and I’m not ashamed of it” — Rakesh Shukla

Clinical Depression is not something people talk about in the first person. It is treatable and preventable but the stigma associated with it keeps people from getting the best treatment and advice

My experience with disease

I have had a long association with disease, and indeed I have worn my ability to survive, take punishment and endure pain as a medal on my chest.

By the time I was seven I had survived severe rheumatic heart disease. By 30 I had survived two heart attacks, a broken back and had demyelination of the brain. By 40 both my carotids had 50% blockages, which makes a stroke imminent. And last year my kidneys started failing — maybe due to the amount of medication I’ve been taking since childhood. Right now I am recuperating from electrocution on an 11,000-volt line that occurred three months ago, and the resulting necrosis it caused in my foot.

But I’ve fought it all and I just keep going. I have no doubt that in two months I will reach peak fitness again — I can do 500 pushups, 150 pullups, 250 burpees and run a kilometre without stopping. But all this bravado would not prepare me for something that happened three yrs ago — the disease that nobody wants to talk about in the first person — depression.

I write about it in detail from my experience, and because it is my nature to understand the world around me. I have not taken one pill or had a test that I do not first fully understand. I am no ‘blind’ patient to any doctor. I am sharing my experience so that maybe some of you can identify if you need help and seek it.

I wish to debunk the notion that depression is somehow related to ‘will’ and you can will yourself out of it. Or that that real ‘men’ can’t or rather shouldn’t have it. It is simply a disease like all the others I’ve had. It happens to men and women, and it needs a three-pronged approach to be managed — prevention, diagnosis and treatment.

Interestingly, the social stigma associated with depression is not new. Analysis of letters, journals and statements show that Abraham Lincoln had depression, and so did Sir Winston Churchill, who repeatedly referred to it as ‘the black dog’. They’re the best examples of people with great character, imagination and ‘will’ who have suffered at its hands.

What Caused Depression

As we will see in a while, depression can have many causes. For me, the sequence of events started in 2013 when a whole bunch of ‘dog activists’ and people they hired started a campaign of arson, poisoning, and intimidation against VOSD — the trust that I run to rescue dogs. Jealousy, profiteering, and extortions were the motives.

At first, it was physical assaults against my people, destruction of vehicles and poisoning of dogs. By the beginning of 2014, I was the subject of attack and it took the shape of criminal complaints filed against me in different police stations across Bangalore. I was finally arrested in September 2014 and it was front-page paid news for two days. What happened then is the subject of a TEDx talk that you can watch here.

Their idea was to attack my company TWB and defund VOSD (which is today the world’s largest no-kill dog rescue and sanctuary). It looked like it would work. For nearly a year I was running around outside the office. My sales and marketing and delivery were not delivering anything as I battled on many fronts. Our revenue fell by 90% in a year.

While we made nothing, it was hard for me to let go of the company I had built from scratch on my own. Since we were without revenue, I started taking loans to keep running TWB. Through 2014, the offices were still running and the staff was being paid, as I hoped that in the next quarter I will turn things around.

But in November 2014 I discovered that while we wanted to collect $150,000 in payments from a single customer — that was showing in receivables for six months — we had not even delivered a cent’s worth to them. I knew the game was over. By December 31, 2014, I was the only employee left in the company.

What happened after that was a bloodbath. I weathered it the best I could and kept fighting on all fronts. Some of the best work that VOSD did was at that time — we created fantastic new revenue streams and brands. Slowly as work dried up in Bangalore I immersed myself into creating a much better infrastructure at the VOSD Sanctuary. But by the beginning of 2016, I was tired and disinterested in pretty much everything around me.

How did I find out I was depressed?

By the middle of 2016, 1.5 years into the fightback I was a person, I was not getting anywhere. I felt terribly lonely; I felt like I was alone and the world was against me. It felt that this is a never-ending fight that I can’t win.

It was a tremendously stressful time. I was living day-to-day. I did not know where the money for the day would come from. The dogs’ expenses were $500 a day. In addition, there was a monthly debt that was initially $50,000 a month!

I kept trying to keep the damage to myself — away from my customers, the few I still had. I was hiding the severity of the situation because I knew even they would leave. At home I’d try to act as normal as possible. I had always protected Helen, my wife — who had never bargained for the life of an entrepreneur — from everything that was unpleasant. Our IOUs were at less than $100 a month. For years, we didn’t buy any clothes or gifts even during festive times.

Slowly, I got tired of not just any social engagements but I started shunning even business meetings and contact. When I had work, I found it very difficult to start because of fatigue and a certain state of mind that said, ‘You know what, it will not make a difference.’ I would not sleep well, yet I would often be curled up in a ball during the day.

All that pressure had to go somewhere. If the day passed without any major incident or crisis it was a huge relief. If it did not, I had to drink. I was now consuming alcohol because it dulled the world around me and kept me sane. I could not sleep unless I drank a lot. But strangely while alcohol knocks you to sleep, when it metabolizes you get up, so you actually sleep poorly.

I was always fond of drinking but the least expensive thing I drank for many years itself was pretty good scotch. I used to joke that my only expense on myself was alcohol — before the crisis, I easily drank a thousand dollars of it (in retail prices) a month. Now as my financial condition deteriorated I could not afford to buy a fraction of it. Helen would keep enough for me for the day to buy a quart of the cheapest local rum and I would buy only for the day because that’s all I could afford.

Music has always been a major part of my life. I had to sell everything I could — the houses the cars to repay debts but I still had this kick-ass music rig, which was the price of a luxury car, sitting in my living room. However, I had completely stopped listening to music — I had given up my biggest pleasure.

My dogs were my only bright spot. But with the pressure, I thought of every illness and every death as something I was responsible for and I was inconsolable. I felt so much guilt that it became difficult for me to face my own babies. Each weekend, while I sat jobless, I would invent a reason not to go to the farm. Michelle Stewart, who used to volunteer with me at the time, would drive 150 km all by herself on some Sundays, on my behalf.

I had terrible mood swings. I would plan my comeback in my head and think of how I am going to hurt everyone who has hurt me — there was relief in thinking of retribution. Anyone I spoke to at the time heard me rant and rave about just how much pain I will give back. But that mania would be followed by utter helplessness. Sometimes when I was alone in the house I would sink to the bathroom floor crying — it sounded like the pitiful cry of a wounded animal.

One day, Helen had gone to her parents’ and I called after her. I started telling her I was sorry for what I had done to her and let her down. I said sorry so many times she froze because she thought I was going to kill myself. I had thought at one time that it was perhaps the only option. I went to my balcony but I realised I can’t — there was no one to take care of my dogs so I said I will give myself one more day to think.

That night I dreamt of my baby Cleopatra at the farm. I got up thinking that I am never going to abandon her. A day later, I saw an interview of Boman Irani (who is on my friends’ list since the time his dog was ill and unfortunately passed away). He talked about getting a break when he was in his 50s. It occurred to me that to win, first you need to stay in the game. I wrote to him a long message about what it meant to me to hear him.

I decided I was not going to be in this place. But what was this place and why was I here?

My first Breakthrough: Knowing I was Depressed

I had stopped watching TV but Helen was watching and I overheard someone talking about depression. It sounded a lot like what I felt! Did I suffer from it? The first person I asked was Helen, “Do you think I am depressed?” She said she did not know.

I then turned to my only other friend and colleague at the time, Sangeeta Velegar. I called and asked the same question, “Do you think I am depressed?” She replied point blank, “Yes you are.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. She said, “I didn’t know how would you take it’. “I’m going to fix it,” I remember saying, “will start with a counselor”.

My Shrink(s)

The counselor was this beautiful old frail bird-like woman with platinum white hair. She came to fetch me at the reception area and she was surprised to see me by myself. She said the stigma was such that it is routine for people to sometimes be persuaded for years by the family to see a counselor. She was surprised I had called and made the appointment for myself.

I told her I knew I couldn’t just ‘will’ my way into getting back any more than I can a fracture to heal. If diabetes can be controlled by lifestyle changes, you do that; if it requires medication, you do that. I’m no professional and can’t diagnose myself but I am not going to prolong my misery.

She asked me what was it that I wanted and I said I wanted to just be back to the man I was — I go after things and get them done and now I’m like this cow tied at the end of a stake waiting my time. I’ve never been the one to be persuaded to talk openly and truthfully to doctors or lawyers, but I began twice a week session with her.

It was mid-2016, it had been at it a few months since we started and I was getting impatient. The fog in my head was not lifting. I told her I was frustrated and I did not think it was going anywhere.

So she asked me, “What causes you pain?” I’d not thought of it because it was this constant feeling that I had never broken down much. It came from betrayal, from bankruptcy, from lack of control, from many places. She persisted.

I had to think long and hard before I said, “I am a self-made and very proud man. I am now accused of attempting to rape a woman I have never met — I feel humiliated by the police, by the accusation, and standing in court. I never took money from anyone and made a multimillion-dollar company and now I feel humiliated by my ex-employees, banks and other creditors.”

My Second Breakthrough: I Found what was Keeping me down

She said, “Rakesh you have misplaced emotions. Humiliation was the right emotion if you had misbehaved with her and were defending yourself. Or if you had used the money for personal gain. The right emotion is anger. Find a rage against the situation and do something about it.” It was like a light went on in my head. I let it sink in.

I asked her to recommend me to a psychiatrist because just knowing the problem would not make it go away. I had been reading about depression in the last few months as well. I called and made an appointment with the doctor she recommended for the same day. They had spoken at length before I met but he too was surprised seeing me just walk in.

During the months of going to the counselor, I had started working out and drinking less and I was much fitter but I had was a physical pain that made me run and lift less — an unbearable pain in my legs and it never went away. I could not sleep because of it. I told him about it.

My 3rd breakthrough: Medication

He gave me his prognosis — I have acute clinical depression. He explained what it was, what can cause it to happen and explained briefly the role of hormones and neurotransmitters. He explained how the pain was not psychosomatic as I had thought but rather because of the lack of the feedback loop from my legs due to the depletion of neurotransmitters. He asked me reluctantly if I will agree to be on medication and I almost grabbed the prescription. I was desperate to fix myself.

A few days into the medication I felt different. I was sleeping well, my mood had improved tremendously and the pain in my legs had disappeared. I started putting longer hours, I started working out harder.

Over a year I felt I did not need the medication because it was somehow slowing me, and made the world too rosy. I believe stress is constant and it is a great motivator, though distress is not. I was weaned off the medication. I went back to being the same edgy Type A personality I started with before the crisis. I was fitter and fighting back.

What I Learnt About Clinical Depression from Fighting it

It is a given that most people will feel low at some point in their lives. Feeling low is not depression. But if you feel low for weeks you need help. Depression is categorized as mild — with temporary episodes of sadness, to severe or persistent depression.

Clinical depression is the most severe form, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. Clinical depression is evident in a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships.

Some of the symptoms that were very pronounced for me include:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Anger, irritability and frustration even over small matters
Loss of interest or pleasure in social contact, sex drive and hobbies
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
Tiredness and a lack of energy
Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
Slow thinking or body movements
Feelings of worthlessness and guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Trouble in thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent or recurrent suicidal thoughts
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Clinical depression can affect people of any age and the symptoms are usually severe enough to cause noticeable problems in relationships with others or in day-to-day activities such as work or social activities — symptoms that were very pronounced for me. They typically improve with psychological counseling, antidepressant medications or a combination of the two, as they did for me.

Triggers for Depression

It is often said that depression results from a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that doesn’t capture how complex the disease is. There are millions of chemical reactions that are responsible for mood, perceptions, and how we experience life. There are many possible causes of depression, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. We examine them briefly:

Stress

Everyone encounters stressful life events — the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, illness or violence, or abuse. While not everyone who faces these develops a mood disorder, stress plays an important role in depression. If the stress is short-lived, the body usually returns to normal. But when stress is chronic, changes in the body and brain can be long-lasting causing depression. This is what happened to me.

Genetic Makeup

It is well known that depression and bipolar disorders run in families. Studies of identical twins show that if one twin has bipolar disorder, the other has a 60-80% chance of developing it, too. These numbers don’t apply to fraternal twins. Genetic makeup influences how sensitive you are to stressful life events. Researchers have identified genes that make individuals more vulnerable to low moods and influence how an individual responds to drug therapy.

Early Losses and Trauma

Research also shows that early childhood losses and trauma such as the death of a parent, or sexual abuse may resonate throughout life, eventually expressing themselves as depression. It is believed that early trauma causes subtle changes in brain function including changes in the concentration of neurotransmitters and/ or damage to nerve cells.

Medical conditions

Some medical problems are linked to lasting, significant mood disturbances. Medical illnesses or medications may be at the root of up to 10-15% of all depressions. For instance, an excess of thyroid hormone (hyperthyroidism) can trigger manic symptoms. Conversely, hypothyroidism often leads to exhaustion and depression.

Heart disease has also been linked to depression, with up to half of heart attack survivors reporting feeling low and many having significant depression.

Degenerative neurological conditions, such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, and Huntington’s disease, strokes, some nutritional deficiencies such as B12, certain immune system diseases such as lupus, some viruses and other infections such as hepatitis, HIV, cancer and erectile dysfunction in men may cause depression.

If depression or mania springs from an underlying medical problem, the mood changes will disappear after the medical condition is treated.

Postpartum Depression

This is the depression experienced by some women after giving birth. Postpartum depression has an incidence rate of 10-15% among new mothers and can last for up to three months.

Diagnosis

There is no laboratory test that can be used to diagnose major depression. However, the doctor may run blood tests to help detect any other medical problems that have symptoms similar to those of depression. Diagnosis is based on a psychiatrist performing a thorough medical evaluation.

Treatment

Depending on the severity of symptoms, the psychiatrist may prescribe antidepressant medication and/ or psychotherapy. There is no singular drug or dose, so it may be necessary for the psychiatrist to try different drugs in different doses to determine which medicine works best for you.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are the primary medications prescribed, owing to their relatively mild side-effects, and because they are less toxic in overdose than other antidepressants.

Response rates to the first antidepressant administered range from 50-75%, and it can take at least six to eight weeks from the start of medication to remission. Antidepressant medication is usually continued for 16 to 20 weeks after remission to minimize the chance of recurrence, and even up to one year of continuation is recommended. People with chronic depression may need to take medication indefinitely to avoid relapse.

Biochemistry of Depression: Hormones and Neurotransmitters

When we are under stress, the hypothalamus secretes a hormone called corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH). CRH follows a pathway to the pituitary gland, where it stimulates the secretion of another hormone called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). When ACTH reaches the adrenal glands, it prompts the release of cortisol (the stress hormone). Cortisol readies the body to fight or flee and the heart beats faster, blood pressure rises and breathing quickens.

Normally, a feedback loop allows the body to turn off the “fight-or-flight” defense when the threat passes. In some cases though, the floodgates never close properly and cortisol levels simply stay high. This can contribute to problems such as high blood pressure, immune suppression, asthma, and depression.

CRH influences the concentration of neurotransmitters throughout the brain. Disturbances in hormonal systems, therefore affect neurotransmitters and vice versa. Neurotransmitters such as acetylcholine, serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, glutamate and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) relay messages from neuron to neuron. The release of a neurotransmitter from one neuron can activate or inhibit a second neuron.

The neurotransmitter also affects the neuron that released it. Once the first neuron has released a certain amount of the chemical, a feedback mechanism (controlled by that neuron’s receptors) instructs the neuron to stop pumping out the neurotransmitter and start bringing it back into the cell. This is called reabsorption or reuptake.

The brain usually produces adequate levels of neurotransmitters but during depression, receptors may be oversensitive or insensitive to a specific neurotransmitter. The originating cell also probably pumps out too little of a neurotransmitter or overly efficient reuptake mops up too much before the molecules have a chance to bind to the receptors on other neurons.

Any of these system faults could significantly affect mood. An antidepressant medication tends to increase the concentration of these substances in the spaces between neurons (the synapses).

Physical Exercise and Depression

Neurobiological effects of physical exercise and major depressive disorder are well established. Research has shown that exercise is as effective a treatment for depression as antidepressant medication or psychotherapy. Earlier it was thought that several weeks of working out was necessary to see the effects on depression, but new research shows that just a single 40-minute period of exercise can have an immediate effect on mood. I know from experience that there is simply no drug such as exercise.

Conclusion

What made me a little different from a lot of other folks I know is that I could identify something had changed in my mental state and recognised I needed professional help. I felt no shame in accepting it. I actively pursued medication instead of shying away from it and I put myself on a strict exercise program because I learnt that hard exercise had a lasting effect in improving how I felt and keeping me there.

I know that once you have had an episode of clinical depression, you are at high risk of relapse. So I constantly check how I feel and observe changes in responses and behavior. I know it is a disease just like the many others I have and I can keep it in check, as I do with the others. I hope you do too.

Stronger with RAKESH SHUKLA™ is a framework for developing unparalleled mental and physical toughness. It is based on Rakesh’s life, and has helped drive two ‘comebacks’.

Rakesh Shukla slept on railway platforms on his way to creating a world-leading technology company — TWB_, which is the choice of over 40 Fortune 500 tech customers worldwide including Microsoft, Boeing, Airbus, Intel, and others. However, at 43, he lost everything within a year. Alone and friendless, he spent the next five years repaying over INR 20 crore of debt and taxes, while building back his company and reputation, and creating and funding VOSD — world’s largest dog sanctuary and rescue.

Rakesh Shukla has suffered heart disease since he was seven years old, had had two heart attacks by the time he was 30, suffers from brain diseases, has broken his back and his kidneys are failing. Towards the end of this five-year period, Rakesh weighed 88 kg and very unfit. Today, at 48 years, he can lift well over 100 kg above his head, run a 10-minute mile, do 2,000 push-ups, and 250 pull-ups. He has never been to a gym, been on a diet, had a trainer, or taken any supplements.

Dec

Lessons I Learnt From My Catastrophic Failure

What I learnt from failure and why it was the best thing that happened to me

I could say I have had an eventful life. I’ve had no problems sleeping on railway platforms or railway coach floors when growing up. Once I had the ‘education’, (read doing that BTech-MBA thing) I was driven to create ‘success’ till one day everything changed to the point where we didn’t have food to eat.

Everything that I write is derived from my personal experiences and my own dissection. You can see a little of the background in this TEDx talk and these conversations on handling stress, failure and about happiness.

Being that low is not a pleasant place that is for sure. Everything that defines you as you — status, name, people are all stripped away. Rebuilding a life along with the daily responsibility of 800+ dogs and 20 staff that I need has not been easy.

I didn’t just need cash to service debt, which was at one stage about $100,000 per month, but I needed steady cash flow for my dogs. That left me very limited room to maneuver. It’s like being alone with your hands tied behind your back and you can only wiggle your fingers.

Now, however, when I look back at it, other than the loss of some of those I love the most and my dogs, I see it as necessary experience. It changed me for the better. In a recent talk that I gave the host mentioned after my talk that, ‘Being absolutely bankrupt should be a necessary experience for everyone’. I agree!

What I think failure is

I personally do not use the word ‘failure’ because it kind of means you got knocked over, and could not get up. I prefer to mostly call it a ‘setback’ or say ‘I fell’.

However, in this conversation I write it in the sense of ‘catastrophic failure’ — to describe a situation such as the one with me (above) and to differentiate it from commonly personal and business contexts, which refer to failure as loss of a client, failure of a project, or loss of a loved one.

I’m talking about the kind of failures that completely alter the landscape of your relationships, finances, and mental wellbeing. Catastrophic failure is when your physical and mental survival is uncertain.

As I began to emerge from catastrophic failure I realised something — nobody wants to talk about falling down, everyone wants to talk about going up. We celebrate success rather than trials, tribulations, upsets, setbacks, and failures even though taking risks and falling down make us into what we call successful.

The other thing I realised is that I’d never really cared to define the essentials metrics of life but was upset on losing what I had not defined clearly (something I reflect in the talk here). When you’re flying forward it feels great and it’s heady.

Falling down caused tremendous pressures and fractures for me. Financial. Social. Psychological. For the first year I kept fighting but with it was a war of attrition and I was not winning. At one time I pretty amazed that I was able to stand up at all as I did ran the steeplechase on empty.

Falling down that hard stripped away every single thing that I thought defined me. But when I emerged, it had given me a brand new mindset. An open-mindedness that balances my aggressiveness. Here are some other things I found that make me think of it is as the most valuable time of my life:

The perspective I developed on failure

After I fell, I was so blinded by anger, grief, self-pity, and denial that I forgot that this is not something that was happening just to me. It has happened to the best of us. What we do after we fall is what defines us. And in the immediate — to help us cope. It took some focusing to see that I needed to keep it in perspective.

It has to be looked at in the eye

My catastrophic failure was the result of a complex set of events that occurred in-step. Understanding what happened provides you an insight into who you are and prepares you for the journey ahead. For most situations — acceptance that you are in it and realising the contours of the problems you face is the single most important step in getting out of them.

Our avoidance of failure is so high that we do not even want to think about it let alone accept or examine it deeply. I learn how emotionally unpleasant it is and seemingly lowers self-esteem. On the other hand, analysing failure required insight and openness with myself.

It is not uncommon

Just like failure, avoidance is built into us so is individual infallibility. We believe bad things happen to others and somehow we are immune to them. That is in direct contrast to the inherent uncertainty in our lives with respect to our professional environment, macroeconomic factors, relationships and biological health.

I learnt that it is not all that you have contributed to — just as success has timeliness as a factor, so does failure. I learnt that my own shortcomings were just one part of it and I do not need to blame myself and that because a particular combination of these circumstances occurred that had never occurred before, it might not again. But the one time it did was catastrophic (for me).

It is the best teacher I have ever had

Of course, my education and the decades of working gave me great professional experience but in terms of sheer learning, enduring and ingenuity this experience was far ahead. You can read case studies all night but until you have had to terminate hundreds of employees whose families depended on you and who still believed in your leadership, you realise you haven’t really learnt what business, people and money are all about. I learnt more about this and relationships while falling down than I had learnt all the years climbing up.

Catastrophic failure is life’s great teacher and it can strip down ego better than in a decade of being a monk. It is also perhaps the only time in your life when you will stop and reflect, take your life into perspective and develop meaning from painful situations. Failing cuts sharp like a razor and deep like a sword and it is precisely the reason why it is a powerful experience. I learnt that failure brought with it important firsthand knowledge which I could use in the future to overcome the very failure that inflicted so much pain in the first place.

It gave me a clean slate

The catastrophic failure took away those things that were the most important for me at the time, but it also took away the greatest millstones around my neck. After working for many years and scoring wins, TWB had become an inefficient company — in quality of delivery to customers, the quality of leadership we had and bloated processes. Most of all, we were not fast enough. We were not reinventing; we were not paranoid.

As much as I was trying to change it, it was not enough primarily because of my relationships with the people who came into the company when it was young. Catastrophic failure brought about a great discontinuity but it also brought the opportunity of TWB being smarter and better without the cobwebs.

I learnt that failure isn’t the end of the road as long as you don’t give up. If you still believe in your goals, you can use the failure as leverage to push past the limitations of your past.

It reshaped my priorities and values

When you fail, it reorders things that matter to you. Through this time I realised I had to re-envision my goals, not revise them. I needed to see them clearer in my mind. I got an even better perspective than when I started.

It also forced me to look inwards and forced me to make an inventory of my hopes and dreams. I even put that in a graph, which I call the ‘Map of Life’ and that led me to realise the things that mattered to me most. I also realised that this redefinition of priorities was not just a crucial step of overcoming failure — it was a crucial step in building future success.

What I learnt about myself

Catastrophic failure did not just give me an opportunity to see failure in perspective, it gave me an opportunity to meet myself for the first time. Some of the things I learnt were:

How far was I willing to go to succeed

We all know that to get anything significant, you need to endure. The question is how much and for how long? If the goal is more important than whatever circumstance, you will dust yourself and get back to it. My catastrophic failure really tested if I had the strength and resolve to pursue my dream.

Grit, resilience and courage

Grit, resilience and courage are qualities that I have always respected in others but there is no way of knowing whether what you think of yourself is who you really are. I always thought I had the ability to keep fighting on but only when I was tested by catastrophic failure I could learn if you have true grit and real courage. I learnt that the process of getting up and putting up a fight is a quality in itself and I had it in spades.

Humility

I went from driving about a dozen cars to not being able to afford autos. I sold all my vehicles and my homes to settle debts. I had to really dive into my pockets to take an auto for Rs 75/ ($1) from where I stay to MG Road, Bangalore. After 2015-16 I was taking buses to get to customers and would have to walk sometimes 2-3 km from the bus stop outside the tech parks to the buildings where they were in.

Once, I walked into a meeting and realised the sole of my shoe had fallen off. I didn’t want to leave it their reception so I picked it up, took off the other shoe as well and walked out barefoot.

From being on top of the food chain, I have had to sit in numerous police stations for days, as I did with tax offices. One day, the bank closed my personal and my company’s accounts as well. I went from very well off to not knowing where the next meal was going to come from. In that time I learnt extremely valuable lessons on humility.

About friends and family

I learnt that failure acts as a “friend filter,” and catastrophic failure made me learn very quickly who my true friends were. When you’re succeeding, everyone wants to be around you but, when you fail, most of those so-called friends disappear. People who knew me well, and knew what happened and knew what a proud man I was, simply stopped talking to me or taking my calls because I might bring up that I needed help.

There were very close personal and professional friendships but at the first sign of trouble, they bailed. It felt very painful at the time as I battled not only a financial disaster but loneliness, hostile debtors and ex-employees. It felt like everyone betrayed me.

At the same time, there were several people I had never met who approached me to help. I was consistently dismissive of them — I had fallen far too hard and lost far too much trust to believe. But they stayed around and helped with their time and expertise. The survival and now the resurgence of TWB_ is a narrative of this help. From the disaster, I learned the value of true friendship.

How it made me better

It allowed me to define ‘success’

When I fell it was a hard fall and while in the short term I had to confront the immediate fallout of money, the lives of my dogs and just surviving — it took the most important part of me away — I thought of myself as successful and now I was not. The conventional definition is that the opposite of success is failure — but if I saw myself as a failure I would never get up. So I started a long process of thinking through was success meant.

I realised that money, and what it buys is not success. Success is being in a place when your values are aligned with your goals. The way I personally define success for myself is that it is a state that allows me to get up in the morning and do the things I love to do.

Even through my worst time, I was fighting not just for myself — I was fighting for the survival of an idea that was bigger than myself. And while I was broke and millions of dollars in debt, with 650 dogs to feed and take care of every day — in my mind, I was still successful.

I realised that when we’re focused on taking something from the world failure is only a moment away. But when we focus on contributing to the world, giving more than we receive, it changes everything.

Do not get me wrong — wealth is still a priority for me but I’m not married to money. It’s important because it is a byproduct of business efficiency. And it is important because of what it allows me to create. But I am successful without it nevertheless

It made me look to the future

I know from long years of experience that guilt, shame, regret, and embarrassment are powerful forces. It is like getting branded. But I needed to live not in the emotion of the events but focus on outcomes. Catastrophic failure can either make you or break you. And I had a choice to want to not just survive, but survive in the best way possible, so I had the energy and strength to create future success.

In a strange way, I am back to being a bootstrapped entrepreneur on the wrong side of the 40s, starting off with a huge debt. But I saw that as a problem to solve. Come to think of I have more professional and life experience than most people I know, and I still have a solid 30+ years to create the kind of organisations I started to build. After all, in one’s life, four years is just a blip.

It made me better at handling emotions

That slide wreaked havoc with my emotional state — it was very hard to stay focused and committed when I felt so much pain and betrayal. Many times it was so painful I felt like I couldn’t bear it. But I came away being able to see my own emotions clearly. I no longer define something as a muddy cloud of pain but can see it for its individual elements of where it stems from — and that allows me to resolve it. I’ve learned to focus on what I learn from the experience rather than focus on the emotion.

It made me more empathetic

For the kind of work I do with dogs and children, I would think I have always had empathy. But I realise that most of it came from my ego. It was in some way a continuation of the same theme — of collecting cars or bikes or watches. But with the catastrophic failure, my ego shattered. It was not a priority for me to be concerned with how much money I had or how large was my office building. I became more focused on the cause.

I have a deeper sense of empathy because I understand better the helplessness that comes from having no money to eat or for shelter, or for health. The helplessness that comes from not being able to care for the people and things you care for because you can barely focus on your own survival. As for the other problems — I see them as problems to solve with the wealth that I will create.

It changed the value of money for me

I was never very careful about money. I was fonder of spending it rather than making it. I always believed that as long as I did good work it will keep coming and I never cared much for how carefully I tracked it. That lack of discipline reflected in the people I surrounded myself with — I mean the beancounters were not careful or loyal. They were the ones leading the charge on the gravy train. The core set of people I have today are careful about money and have proven their loyalty without reproach.

Catastrophic failure led me to re-look my relationship with money. While I focus on making it, I have evolved into a very different person in tracking and spending it. There is a shift in my mind about where money needs to be spent. I’ve learnt to respect it and treat it with care, rather than spending it with disregard. That I see as a stronger platform on which I can create eventual success and wealth in my second innings as an entrepreneur.

It changed the value of time

Some years ago — deep in the four-year period, I realised that I was running out of time. I did not have enough years in my life to do all the things that I wanted to, I did not have enough hours in a day to manage my situation and that ‘time’ is the only real resource I had. That realisation alone set me on the path that I became conscious of what I spend time on — and I am much more careful about it than even spending money. I give my time to situations and people that better be worth it because it is the only real thing I have to give.

No matter what advantages or disadvantages one has had in life ‘time’ is the great equaliser. No one has more of it or less than the other. I realise that it was all about what I chose to do with time that mattered, not how much I thought I had. Having learned the lesson I know I am in a great place to create that success with wealth. My ‘Map of Life’ also allows me to categorise situations and people that are urgent or important and allocate time accordingly.

The greatest challenge was fighting boredom

Catastrophic failure reset everything in my life. So there are many things I am doing for a second time but there is a problem. When goals are new, they’re exciting. Once the newness wears off, the grind is far more real and I have to fight that because it is boring. With boredom comes complacency and I am more likely to revert to my old ways.

Life goes on only in one direction — forward

Once you’ve suffered a catastrophic event like being absolutely broke, it feels like everything you hoped for is now completely out of reach. It breaks you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But what I came to realise was that failure wasn’t the end of the road. Although it hurt more than I care to describe, failure served me more than it hindered me. It helped build me into who I am today.

I would never have gained the perspective I did from this catastrophic failure without it. Nothing of importance can be had easy. It was a way for me to learn the lesson to be a fighter, not a quitter. And for me to discover courage and strength.

The thing about failure is you never actually want to think about it; you don’t want to talk about it but it is one of the possible futures. How we face it is what defines us. Michael Jordan once said, “26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

Sep

‘I created a $100 million business with zero employees’

… Rakesh Shukla at a talk in IIM Bangalore

This is my third entrepreneurial innings. With the first, I managed to create a bootstrapped world leader called TWB or The Writers Block that serviced the largest Fortune 500 B2B tech leaders in the world. TWB made money from the first month and grew on its own cash flow. The next two startups, which I did not choose, are called TWB_ (called TWBShift, essentially TWB2.0) and VOSD.

After 10 years of creating a world-class company TWB_’s fall was terrifying and total. In less than six months, I was the only employee left in the company, from a few hundred earlier. And I had lost all offices, bank accounts, phone numbers even web servers as every rupee was employed to repay.

As lenders moved in, employees and customers left. Some of that fightback is the subject of the TEDx talk here. The choices I had to make, the pain and the resurgence — while interesting and with a hundred priceless lessons — was not the subject of the talk though.

What IIM Bangalore grads wanted, was a view on how to help create a large enterprise to help dogs. The case study is not your average startup situation though. You don’t make a business plan, find friends and family, then angel investors and then try to get yourself funded on a blue ocean dream. This is a knife fight and you’ve your hands tied.

Soon after TWB_ went down both my company and personal bank accounts were closed — and no the banks don’t ask you. There was no way for me to find any money. I’ve seen a time when I could only find private loans at 25% interest pa for a year — where you pay the interest upfront! And then when things sank further I had to find still more, which I got at 1% per day! For ₹1 crore, that is ₹1 lakh a day.

These are the kind of guys you watch movies about — they don’t ask you to sign anything to give me money but you can’t not pay nor delay. If anyone has watched The Girl In Yellow Boots the local Kannada hudga (boy) at Kalki Koechlin’s doorstep is a pretty accurate picture of what I refer to. If you thought VCs are ruthless people you should meet one of these. They don’t threaten you with a term sheet and diluting your equity, to put it mildly.

The problem definition

The ask

Could you turn around and start delivering on a $100 million business plan from there with a revenue run-rate of ₹4 crores in Y1?

The liability side

You’re the only person in your company. You’ve liquidated all assets You’ve no address, your emails don’t work, your website doesn’t either
You’ve got debt that runs into millions of US dollars. Banks agree to reschedule over a 3-4 year term but sundry creditors they want it all now — at one time together it peaked at ₹ 35-40 lakh a month
No matter what you pay back each month you got to find ₹10-15 lakhs for your dogs — that is non-negotiable. They got to eat and they got to have medical care.

The asset side

You still have a brand (TWB) that means something to customers — you can only deliver on what is not capital intensive and really high margin. TWB_ today focuses on the highest margin business
You have terrific goodwill with VOSD (the world’s largest no-kill dog sanctuary and rescue) — you could leverage that to create revenue streams provided you did not have to invest at all!
You have an individual with exceptional branding talent — for a period of the first two years. She could allow you to rebrand and make a fresh new identity that still builds on what worked in the past
You have an individual with terrific marketing and technical/program management capability — for the next two years. You can rebuild your go-to market assets. But you can’t do both.

The plan

Phase 1 (first two years) of our execution was branding and short-term revenue. Phase 2 (next two years) was rebuilding the infrastructure and basic teams and assets to launch
TWB is already finding the run rate we had the first time and I expect Y2 to be the same top-line where we left off four years ago. In other words, we will do in two years what we took ten years to do the first time!
VOSD has created a portfolio of multiple sub-brands, some driving engagement, some driving revenue but all focused on dogs. This includes VOSD Dog Care — a complete dog care brand available nationally, Barking Mad — India’s largest ‘for charity’ standup property, Monster Bake — India’s largest ‘for charity’ bake sales, Art For Dogs that brings together India’s top artists, and Stars For Dogs that brings together India’s biggest celebrities for a cause.

So how do you start creating a $100 million business on a negative $5million base with zero people? Answer: With ingenuity and gumption.

When you can’t employ money and timing in business, you apply ingenuity and fortitude and we’ve done that in spades. I’m still bootstrapped, and other than those four years, I’ve always been cashflow positive — from Month 1. How’s that for a fightback?

Jul

To Define Change, you Need to Define Yourself

Read excerpts from Rakesh Shukla’s talk on July 4, 2018, at the ANZ Bangalore

To change, first you need to find yourself: The ANZ Bangalore talk on July 4 I www.rakeshshukla.com

“The one great advantage of losing everything is that it gives you great clarity on what are the essentials of your life. Once you have a real baseline that few have, you can go anywhere you want from there” — Rakesh Shukla, at the ANZ Bangalore talk on July 4, 2018.

What happens when a large organisation is in the throes of change? It requires everyone to participate — down to the last (wo)man. But change is hard. Most of all because we don’t want to change. We want status quo. That is where we derive our comfort.

I’ve had phrases such ‘get out of your comfort zone’, ‘change is the only constant’ and so on thrown at me all my life — most often from people who I knew to be status quo-ists. What they meant was ‘it should change for you — it should not change for me’. How many CXOs tell you that we will transform this organisation but I will be made redundant?

People see change with an opaque lens and that lack of faith starts permeating the organisation. It becomes toxic. The uncertainty it causes can be paralysing. There are few managements that recognise that, and fewer do something about it. ANZ clearly wants to be better and faster but is focusing on not just shifting its bottom line, but shifting its people and culture.

As I headed to ANZ I saw this mass of humanity in a headlong rush. This rush to get to the place of work. Just that stretch of the road employs a few 100,000 software engineers. I remembered my own time on the same road 16-17 years ago. On that whole 10-km stretch Hughes Software Systems (HSS), now Aricent, was the first large office complex that came up and we had the road to ourselves.

I remembered being in the same headlong rush, and I was thinking about their fears and uncertainty. The whole talk about automation-led-efficiency. Change is coming to you, whether your company chooses or not.

That headlong rush has two motivations — success and happiness. The paradox is that we confuse these two otherwise very different things. Success does not bring happiness and happiness is not success.

The second paradox is that we fail to define either for ourselves. If you can’t be sure what success is for you, you will keep chasing a changing goal post that is comparative — compare your selfies against mine, your car against mine, and your designation against mine.

I would never say to anyone do not be competitive, but real competition drives excellence — it makes all parties better. Real competition is about learning what someone else does better. Real competition is about making substantial differences to any status quo.

When I arrived at ANZ, it was not as a motivational speaker or someone who knows all. I only hold up my own experience, and as I have dissected it. It is as a man who has had many painful falls, made many mistakes, but has had the presence of mind, courage and fortitude to listen, adapt and play with the hand he had.

I am the first one to say that all those qualities were not ones I was born with. Over years I have taught myself to be brave and now I teach myself to let go. I know I can’t change the past but I do control the future, and not letting go is that overhang that would control my trajectory. Over the experience of the last three years, I’ve had to go back to the core of me being me, something that I lost in the many ‘compromises’ that TWB_ brought — the foremost being to live with mediocrity.

But as I roll it back I’ve had to let go of some things that were also me — the foremost being unable to let go! No one can be the same, or indeed should be the same, if they are going to undergo a big change. If forgiving is a new balance then I’ve had to learn that, even though painfully and reluctantly.

At ANZ, we talked about defining success and some of those things that one needs to do to get there once you know what you want. We also talked about how no matter how you define it, the perfect balance between work, sleep, family, fitness and friends is just an illusion. Those that we admire or envy being successful have always had to give up something to get there. So the question is whether you want that ‘no holds barred’ success. If you do, what do you bring to the table, and what are you willing to give up?

We looked at how to create your ‘Map of Life’ so you can focus on what’s important for you. We talked about learning from falling down and the skills required to get up and run again.

From my early years, I have firmly believed that each man must experience life on his own and learn from his own. I do not focus on either correcting someone or talk about something I read in a book. As I said, I only hold up my own experience as I have dissected it, so others can identify these patterns for themselves. If some of the folks yesterday could see that for themselves yesterday, as the many who came and spoke to me later, that’s one step toward ANZ’s change.

Jun

Myth of Happiness: Why a little dissatisfaction is good

How you can be motivated and Stronger with RAKESH SHUKLA™ by dispelling the notion of “happily ever after”

From when you’re very young you start getting the message — you should be happy. You are told that the purpose of life is to be happy! By the time you leave childhood, you start telling yourself that. In adulthood, you start worrying because you’re not happy and start finding ways to be happy. And are a whole lot of people to help you, that’s for sure. The trouble is — helping you helps them — not you.

We’ve been made to buy into the idea that happiness is something we achieve when everything in our life finally looks the way we’ve been thinking it should. When I buy that car I will be happy. When she says she loves me I will be happy. When I get that promotion I will be happy.

But it never does happen like that. Entire religions have been constructed from this idea of happiness. The lure of happiness is so great and so unfathomable that it goes into the ‘next life’. If you live good you will be happy forever in Swarga, in Heaven or in Jannat. It is a far off carrot dangling from a divine stick.

But here’s the rub — everlasting happiness is a myth that has been propagated on us for thousands of years. Because it is easy to sell and that’s because everyone wants to be happy. But the human state is not of some perpetual happiness even remotely. You can look at Gandhi, or Dr Martin Luther King and ask yourself — they should have been happy, but were they? If they had a life full of strife and stress with moments of happiness, why should you be better?

That is what I talk about here, that happiness is the opposite of what everyone has taught us. And the opposite of happiness is not necessarily unhappiness — it’s just trying harder. I want you to see why happiness is a state that exists only for a while and that is the nature of being human. First, let’s look at how humans perceive happiness. Then we’ll look at why they do. And last, what can make us happier without the mumbo jumbo.

The construction of happiness

The construct that religions, pseudo-religions and new age gurus give us is that happiness is an ‘existential state’ in which you live, or not. It is an either-or-state, so you are either happy or you are unhappy. But happiness is circumstantial.

Over a lifetime — the overachiever, the underachiever, and the failure — everyone is happy for about the same percentage of their lives. Comparing 99.9% of the life experience when you are not happy with that 0.01% when you are ‘happy’ may make it appear pointless and bleak.

However, it should not be so. This is the very nature of being human. It is not pointless because all human progress has really come from the point of being not happy. Even art, that one place that reflects self-expression more than ambition, has seen its pinnacle rising out of a deep state of being dissatisfied and unhappy.

Happiness in the future: The optimism bias

If you don’t agree with me that happiness is transient consider this: how many times have you said, “Won’t it be great when I get that promotion/ fall in love/ go for that vacation…” It is because our brains have an ‘optimistic bias’ — which is the tendency to think that our future will be better than our present. The brain overcomes the monotony of being unhappy by creating happiness in the future.

Happiness in the past: The Pollyanna principle

An older person is likely to say, “Wasn’t it great when… I got that promotion/ fell in love / went for that vacation…” It shows we remember pleasant information from the past more than unpleasant information. The reason that the good-old-days seem so good is because we focus on the pleasant stuff and tend to forget the day-to-day unpleasantness.

This modelling of both the past and the future is an adaptive part of the human psyche. These are delusions but this self-deception has a purpose — it enables us to keep striving. If our present is unpleasant but the past is great, and our future can be great, then we can work our way out of the present!

Competition between states of happiness

We all know something that makes us happy; being with a loved one could make you happy. Being successful at work could make you happy. However, happiness isn’t complementary and sometimes may actually be in conflict.

A satisfying life built on a successful career and a great relationship are built over a long period of time. But having too much time with your loved one may compromise your professional success or vice versa. Committing yourself to avoid momentary pleasures such as going for a party or a spur-of-the-moment trip — typically as happiness in one area of life increases, it’ll often decline in another. It’s impossible for us to simultaneously have all states of happiness!

Happiness creates dissonance

Everyone has their baseline happiness — everyone has triggers to go above it and to fall below it. But over a period of time, they fall back to this baseline. You think buying this bag, or shoes or that car will make you happy. In reality getting something like that is a happiness ‘hit’. It does feel happy for a few hours then you slide back to your natural state. Else, everyone with a Louis Vuitton bag or a Porsche should be happy forever but they are not.

This is true not just for underachieving or distressed people. There is a lot of research that shows that making a lot of money or meeting a terrible accident actually does not significantly affect your long-term level of happiness. And there is a reason for it. The dissonance happiness creates (and the resulting unhappiness) is how the human brains start chasing the next thing. While we do not think of it like that, it is a survival skill. This ‘hit’ is what motivates us and gives us this quest of happiness.

The law of diminishing happiness

It is not only that we need a happiness ‘hit’, the same hit will not work again. If a car or a promotion made you happy for a day, the next time it will make you feel that for say half the time. This is the diminishing return on happiness, in which your attempts to have “more” will actually bring you less.

However, if it were not so, ambition and achievement would be a straight line and every year you would want to achieve the same as the year before. No human system works like that — each year you want to achieve more than the year before. As life progresses in terms of your own expectations you are going up the funnel not down it.

Unhappiness is an evolutionary trait

Unhappiness and some pessimism actually do us good and help us see the world more accurately. Evolutionary scientists believe that those of our ancestors who were very anxious, a little depressed and hypochondriac were the key to the success of human species. They were more alert for danger and disease, and more prepared for potential problems in life. We no longer value misery as a learning experience or seize it as a time to re-evaluate. Instead, we try to mask it.

Humans did not evolve to be happy

Stress stresses people out! There is a reason we feel stress — no stress is technically called homoeostasis. This is when an organism is in balance, for instance, there is an ideal level of glucose in the bloodstream, enough oxygen supply and the body’s temperature is favourable. All systems are a go. A stressor is anything in the outside world that knocks a living being out of balance. For example in the case of an accident you are out of homeostatic balance and the stress response is what your body does to reestablish it.

Humans are more complex than other living beings though:

For one, we can anticipate that something unfavourable is about to happen and can have a stress response prior to the event. This anticipation of unpleasant events is unhappiness, but unless it is chronic and it paralyses you, it helps you cope with the event. Distress, on the other hand, is when stress is so chronic that you believe you are about to be knocked out of homeostatic balance. Actually, you are really not, but this belief continues paralysing you.
For another, this stress response is till homoeostasis can be achieved or the animal goes into shock or dies. So stress is about three minutes of screaming after which either it passes, or you collapse due to it. That is why a deer panics when attacked by a tiger but if it escapes, in a few minutes it will munch grass like nothing happened. Deer don’t have a very complex emotional life, despite being a social species. People are not like that. A human will see a tiger in every shadow for the rest of his life. That’s what phobias are made of.

I will look at the happy hormones in a while, but for now, let’s look at stress hormones. Stress causes the release of adrenaline and cortisol. They prime us for a fight-or-flight response, they reach into our fat cells and liver to take out sugar and dump it in our blood streams. They simultaneously increase the heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate.

However, humans generate these responses in non-life threatening situations. We worry about our work, loans and loved ones and respond the same way. It allows us to achieve more, though at a physiological price.

A few decades ago psychologists started observing African baboons to study stress. The reason baboons are such good models is that like people, they don’t have real stressors. They work three hours a day for food and have no predators. They sleep for 12 hours. So they have nine waking hours every day to devote to generating psychological stress toward other baboons.

Surprisingly, all the behavioural and physiological data including blood samples, tissue biopsies and electrocardiograms show that physiologically baboons feel stress the same way we do. When they have elevated stress hormones their immune responses and reproductive systems are compromised. Baboons like people are not being done in by predators and famines; they’re getting done in by each other.

Can you think your way through with happy thoughts and success?

In his book If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? Prof. Raj Raghunathan of University of Texas McCombs School of Business writes that there doesn’t appear to be much correlation between academic success and career success, and there is an even smaller correlation between career success and what he calls life success or happiness.

You’d also expect that with superior IQs, greater drive, high critical thinking ability and a better work ethic, the predominant thoughts of a person would be happy. His subjects expected 60-75 per cent of their thoughts to be positive, but the result of two weeks of logged information was surprising — actually, 70 per cent thoughts were negative. These thoughts were predominantly (a) feeling inferior (b) lack of love and connectivity with others, and (c) lack of control over themselves and other people! Overall the greater the career success, the more unhappy, out of shape, harried and distracted the subjects were.

One of the regular paths to being happy that is frequently told to us is improving our self-image. Which should be true, because if our self-worth improves our happiness should too. Except that it’s not true. Not because happiness does not go up with self-worth, but for the most part self-worth does not change over a lifetime!

In his book Self-esteem: The Costs and Causes of Low Self-worth Nicholas Emler examines what is self-esteem and what causes low self-esteem. His research studied ways to address low self-esteem since it seems to be the cause of unhappiness, personal and social ills, crime, drug addiction, educational failure and suicide.

His study concluded that self-esteem is not only difficult to gauge, it is almost impossible to be modified through interventions. It also recognised that high self-esteem does not necessarily guarantee only positive outcomes, either professionally or personally.

A 1922 study in the UK began with 1,200 children who were monitored from childhood until death. It found that those who were the most happy in their childhood died earlier than those who were less cheerful. In adult life, the happy children turned out to more likely to drink, smoke and take risks, possibly because their happy world view made the dangers of those choices appear smaller. The conclusion of the study was, “The long-term effects of cheerfulness are complex, and seem not entirely positive.”

The biology of ‘happy’ hormones

We feel happy when our bodies release one of these hormones. The most interesting part is that their release is not routine. It is infrequent and precisely the reason why being happy is such a positive stroke that our body craves for it. But it is hard to come by and reinforces our survival behaviour but we want to feel good as much as we can.

Dopamine

Dopamine motivates us to take action toward goals and gives us a surge of reinforcing pleasure when achieving them. Procrastination, self-doubt, and lack of enthusiasm are linked with low levels of dopamine. Studies on rats showed that those with low levels of dopamine always opted for an easy option and less food; those with higher levels exerted the effort needed to receive twice the amount of food.

Serotonin

Serotonin flows when you feel significant or important. When serotonin is absent you feel lonely and depressed. Unhealthy attention-seeking is another symptom of lack of serotonin. Most antidepressants focus on the production of serotonin.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin creates intimacy, trust, and builds bonds. It is released by men and women during orgasm, but much more in women than in men. It is released and by mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding. Most animals will reject their offspring when the release of oxytocin is low.

Endorphins

Endorphins are released in response to pain and stress, and help to alleviate anxiety and depression. The “runner’s high” during and after a vigorous run are a result of endorphins. It is an analgesic and a sedative similar to morphine and diminishes our perception of pain.

You can’t be perpetually happy, but you can be happier!

So we can’t be happier? We can be, but not necessarily through the “happiness industry”. The whole industry is dedicated to teaching us how to be happy. It’s almost as though it is our duty to be happy. The trouble is — the happiness industry wants us to fixate neurotically on ourselves. It makes us want to be hypersensitive about our own emotional state. It tells us that just going through life without agonising over whether you are happy or not, means we’re not happy. A small low is a large emotional blow that needs immediate addressal.

The other trouble is — it tells us that attaining happiness is in doing less or having less because that gets you to have satisfaction. It tells us that it leaves us more time for our family, our children and our friends. It asks you to look inward. But I have found that happiness can be found not by looking inside, but by doing for others. Very few people actually tell you that.

I can’t make you happy, but I can make you happier. No mumbo jumbo. And it does not require you to leave your family or give up your professional life. It’s just based on the understanding of what we know about the nature of happiness.

There is no state of perpetual happiness. First, you need to accept and appreciate that sometimes life will be good, and sometimes it is bad. You can’t have one and not the other. And that acceptance changed my perspective and life. The acceptance that dissatisfaction is a function of being human, and that happiness when achieved is a fleeting state, should not be depressing. On the contrary recognising that happiness exists helps us appreciate it more when it arrives. We might want to take those short, sharp bursts of warmth and positivity and feel them constantly, but we can’t. It is the same with other emotions: boredom, dissatisfaction and sadness. None are constant.
Your sense of self-worth will not change over your life, but what you do with it can. The complicated ideas that happiness gurus give you — of losing ego and self and stuff like that — they are trying to change the wiring of your brain. Unless you are going to spend your life doing that there is no real use. Ample research that shows that our personalities are set by the time we’re 25 and our self-esteem does not change over our lifetime no matter what the learning. However, there is an easy way of being happy. What we call happiness often occurs subconsciously, when we are so engrossed in a hobby or an afternoon of reading, painting, or listening to music that we don’t notice time passing. Most of all, give to others. Not as CSR — but your time. Pick up a sick child or a dog and care for it. It will change your life.
Get your dopamine hit. Break big goals down into little pieces. Rather than only allowing your brains to celebrate when you’ve hit the finish line, create a series of little finish lines. Each time you do, you will get that dopamine hit. But don’t just feel good, reward yourself in a small way — watch a movie or get a great meal. Your brain starts telling you, ‘Life’s good.’ Create new goals before achieving the current one; that ensures a continual flow for experiencing dopamine.
SOT: Serotonin on Toast. A common antidote to feeling low is organised group activity — the culture brings experiences that facilitate serotonin release. Remember the bikers on Harleys — that’s what they’re doing. The same ride feels better when they do it in a group. Or a knitting group. The other remedy is reflecting on past significant achievements that allow the brain to re-live the experience. Our brain has trouble telling the difference between what’s real and imagined, so it produces serotonin in both cases. But remember to get off your chair and do something after that daydream.
Get your endorphins, like you get your vitamins. You do not have to be a distance runner or athlete or gym sort of guy to get them. Exercise in short bursts. Start by running 50m all out, then walk 50m, and finish by running 50m all out. Two minutes — that’s it! Research shows that intense workouts in shot bursts release endorphins that otherwise come after a 20-minute aerobic period. Short burst exercise has an added benefit — shorter telomeres — the ends of DNA show ageing repair in these short bursts. Other than exercise, laughter is the easiest way to induce endorphin release. Even the anticipation of laughter, for example, attending a comedy show (come for Barking Mad the next time we have one), increases levels of endorphins.
Remember oxytocin? It is good. Very good. But I don’t need to tell you how to get it.

Remember that the dissatisfaction with the present and dreams of the future are what keep us motivated. Warm memories reassure us that the feelings we seek can be had in the future. Perpetual bliss would completely undermine our will to accomplish anything at all. Among our earliest ancestors, those who were perfectly content were the first ones to die. Happiness is like chocolate cake. You can’t have it all the time.